Monday, December 14, 2015


Don’t spit. Don’t talk loud. Don’t swear. Don’t sit with your legs parted, your panties will show. Stop at three glasses of wine, orelse you can get into trouble. You can even get pregnant and would have to travel to another state in order to ‘deal’ with it. If you are lucky, you can make your choice, all alone, in secret, without getting shamed by packs of pro-lifers.

Cut your hair short. No, keep it long. No, layered. Straight. Better, curly. Get highlights, throw peroxide, or throw a grenade, for what it matters. Never wear loose clothes and plaids. It is not sexy. They will call you frigid, a lesbian, they will say you have a body problem. Wear your clothes tight, let your curves show. Loose is ok, if the fashion demands it. Be careful not to blind yourself with hairspray. Don’t choke with your choker. Learn how to be feminine and seductive on 4 inch spikes, while walking on cobblestone.

Your perfect weight is 49 kilos and 300 grams. That is what the international protocol commands. Lose weight. Lose more. The holidays are coming and you are going to gain it back, for sure. Forget fried food, you will get cellulite. Only boiled food is good. Forget taste. It is all in the head. Don’t eat sweets. Avoid chocolate during your period, you will get pimples. Eat chocolate before your period, it helps with pms.

Study something you like. Work in a job that you love, to feel fulfilled. If you can’t do that, have a career to prove to yourself and the others how much you are worth. Get paid less than the men in equal positions and pretend you don’t care. Don’t lose yourself in the job, because you will end up a spinster. Find a man to make a family. When you do, have lots of sex, so that you do not lose him. Have kids before you are thirty. A woman without kids is like a car without wheels. Stop working immediately! Otherwise, you will feel guilty for missing the best times with your kids. Of course, it is going to be hard to find a job again after your kids go to school. You have kids now, you see and bosses do not like it. If you are fortunate, you will find something half as challenging as what you were doing. Half is good. Take it.

Why are you frowning? You’ve got it all! Work, kids, house, husband, a dog and a hamster. How’s multitasking working for you? Children are everything. Children are happiness. Children are clinging on you until they are twelve and after twelve they don’t want to know you. They wouldn’t be caught dead with you in the mall. They bang their bedroom doors with the ‘keep away’ sign on your face. They make holes in their bodies that hide from you, unless they get an infection.

I see you put on weight. I think you are eating chocolate in secret. Lose them pounds. No, don’t! You will get shaggy now, at this age. I don’t know. Do what you will. Listen to the voices in your head. It is really hard to stay off the market. Your man becomes sexier with grey hair. You just get old.

Paint it black. After staying forty-five for twenty years, it is already time for pension. You cannot conceal your age anymore. Embrace the positive. Your periods stopped. You do not bleed and hurt anymore like you are shot every month. You just have to deal with hot flashes and migraines that drive you crazy. But, hey, you can’t get pregnant anymore. Wait, who would want to get you pregnant? Even eighty-year old men go after women half their age. Why would you be an exception? Hell, you might be the exception after all! Enjoy it like a maenad, before estrogens and libido take a hike and leave you alone with the image in the mirror. Have botox. Have a nip tuck, get a facelift, take hormones. No, it will be soon that you will get wrinkly again, or you will look like a swollen goldfish, or you’ll get cancer. Take deep breaths. Take a holiday.

Wait! You can’t go. Your daughter is having a baby and needs your help, since she gets no paid leave from work. Help her. Your child’s kid is twice your kid. Help…Don’t be a pussy, don’t whine. You have no excuse to be self indulgent. You have plenty of time now and you are alone. Your sexier ex is dining with another. Good. No need for botox anyway. You can be yourself, embrace your wrinkles and your extra fat. You can enjoy your wine that puts you to sleep, you can finally eat your chocolate in the open, the 70% cocoa chocolate that raises the level of serotonin. You can read your book in bed without having to turn off the light and stare at the dark. You can be spiritual know and not make fun of those who hope for an afterlife. You can even hope for another life, where you will be reborn as an XX again and do the same things you did in this lifetime. Again. 
Just hope to be lucky enough not to be born where they will cover you with this black sheet from top to bottom, because your previous life will feel like you were in heaven.

(translation from my article in

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